The Unlucky Asian’s Guide to a Happy Social Life

 The Unlucky Asian’s Guide to a Happy Social Life

(Based on a true story, inspired by a true-to-life Asian in a foreign country, born with all undesirable Asian aspects but has succeeded to win the hearts and pants of a female plurality)

Do you scorn your genes and the disgusting attributes it has ascribed you? Are your eyes too small you have to increase the resolution of your desktop to 800x600 pixels? Do you suffer from the constant racial woes and discrimination from people who are even less-attractive than you? Is your yellow insecurity getting in the way of your playboy life?  Since you are pathetic enough to be browsing through my blog on a cold Halloween night, I’m almost a hundred percent sure you are in dire need. This recipe is tried and tested and will skyrocket you to the top of the social pyramid!

1)   Confidence and Modernization.

Scarce confidence is often rooted from insecurity. When the world rained with blessings, its as if you had your umbrellas wide and open. So what if you were born with eyes smaller than the Asian genitalia? Or genitalia smaller than Asian eyes? When destiny has allocated such depressing traits to your poor Asian soul, don’t sulk in your room while watching insipirational youtube videos on loop (perhaps the story of how Susan Boyle rose above her pathetic life, or two black men singing an Alicia Keys song, either way you’re doomed) Remember: these traits are non-negotiable, so when you’re stuck in a helpless and hapless situation, you’re left with nothing else to do but to, just like the black people say, WORK IT, BABY.

Analyze where you fall short. What makes you feel like such an minor character in the story? Are you too skinny? Do your weird langue and pale complexion shoo away the girls you like? Or is the frighteningly massive population of your race make you feel like an insignificant part of a yellow dominating group? Do not let your flaws impede you from success. Stop thinking about what you lack and start working on where you excel. 

 

Keep in mind that: Asians excel in a multiplicity of things, to a very frightening extent. Any stereotype with the affirmation of the condescending 9gag community (plus the online freaks who would pick a fight on any given time) cannot be proven false. So what if your uncooperative biceps remain in hiding after spending 23 hours a day in the gym? Stop bodybuilding and try something else. Like dancing, perhaps? Most Asians are really good dancers (proven by Glee’s very own Mike Chang). But if you are an outlier with two left feet, don’t hang yourself just yet! Try basketball. People like Yao Ming and Jeremy Lin have been rendered as global phenomena for excelling in a sport where the common Asian fails to thrive. If you think that enough practice would only earn you a life long slot on the bench (bangko) and you would still suck like a fat Asian potato, then flee that group and play in a team of a less basketball conducive race. Surround yourself with people who aren’t talented and are less dedicated. Trust me, you would stand out for sure.

If this still doesn’t work, don’t cut those skinny legs off while thinking you are a useless yellow piece of shit. There are a lot of other things to excel in, if sports do not permit. I’m pretty sure you’re better than everyone at playing chess. If this harsh world makes you believe that Chess is an underappreciated geeky talent and will never get you into the cast of Jersey Shore or Gossip Girl, then apply your logic and analysis skills in something much “cooler”. Try playing cards (poker, Pusoy Dos). Brilliance in gambling is an asset that will aid you in picking up girls.

 

Music is also a good way to grab attention, especially when it comes to girls. If you are a couch potato who spends an average of 7 hours a day in front of the television, you would know that Asians are the staple endorsers of baby milk brands that claim to produce child prodigies. This makes it safe to assert that you, my poor Asian friend, are musically talented, someway, somehow. If you think you are good in a boring underrated musical instrument such as the Piano (I’m sorry but the days of Beethoven have long been dead and the slowly deteriorating human populace have switched to brain slushing dubstep and Nicki Minaj), make an effort to embellish and modernize your mechanisms. Buy yourself a keyboard-organ and apply your music skills there. Keyboards are cool, they add that techno sound to your classic old Asian songs. (I honestly have no clue with what I am saying)

2)   Do NOT ever argue with your inner Asian voice.

After eighteen years of co-existing with your kind, I have concluded that:

Asians have a penchant for colored hair.

 

Most Asians I know have this yearning deep in their hearts, a constant calling that recurs almost every 20 minutes, a voice in their head that just won’t seem to shut up until they to rush to the nearest salon and get their hair colored. If you want to do it, just do it. Stop having personal debates between your proud Asian heritage and your longing to conform. But this isn’t always the case, sometimes the voices in your head demand you to do other unorthodox things such as to constantly spit on every lot you step on to mark your territory or to watch videos about people whose lives are sadder than yours to simply uplift your self-confidence. (Again, see: Susan Boyle and Two Black Men singing) Whatever your inner Asian voice asks you to do, just give in, agree and indulge in your Asian customs. Most Asians who argue with their little yellow calling end up living a life with a massive void in their little yellow hearts.

3)   Reject and be a douchebag. Girls love douchebags.

It sounds plain, mainstream and shallow to a vast extent. My immature header has probably earned me your disrespect and has perhaps appalled a bunch of feminists, but continue reading and you will see the clear sense I am about to make.

Do not let your Asian Frustrasian (frustration) impede you from living the playboy dream. Do what Hugh Hefner does. Sleep around! Not only will it heighten your masculinity, sleeping around has also been proved to hasten sexual reproduction (in other words, impregnate people to multiply the number of poor Asians in the country. Stain their genes with some Asian blood to make them feel bad about themselves. Finally when your population is large enough, you slowly take over and invade the racist country you are in) Reject girls and

 (Also, date at least three girls who share your nationality. Apart from heightening the exclusivity, fellows Asians seek solace in each other. You can sing songs and speak in languages that only you two would understand. Anyong!)

Discussion on how and why girls are very attracted to douchebags deserves an entirely different article to its name. What’s essential to note here is that being a douche won’t only upgrade your value in the dating market, it will also promote the ranks of your yellow race and will earn you vast respect.

 When the whole world finds pleasure in your poor yellow demise, when racial jokes are rampant (and is the most enjoyable genre of entertainment), turn things around and form a clique. Keep things exclusive. Turn them into outcasts before they even have the chance to discriminate you. How? By only interacting with fellow Asians. This creates a certain hierarchy that puts you on a pedestal, notches above those regular people. Join exclusive and cliquish Korean groups to help cultivate your yellow legacy. Disregard all other factions and reject invitations from fraternities filled with “non-asian commoners” no matter how tough or powerful they might be.

Just like girls—the more you reject, the more they yearn.