The Unlucky Asian’s Guide to a Happy Social
Life
(Based on a true story, inspired by a true-to-life Asian in
a foreign country, born with all undesirable Asian aspects but has succeeded to
win the hearts and pants of a female plurality)
Do you scorn your genes and the disgusting attributes it has
ascribed you? Are your eyes too small you have to increase the resolution of
your desktop to 800x600 pixels? Do you suffer from the constant racial woes and
discrimination from people who are even less-attractive than you? Is your
yellow insecurity getting in the way of your playboy life? Since you are pathetic enough to be browsing
through my blog on a cold Halloween night, I’m almost a hundred percent sure
you are in dire need. This recipe is tried and tested and will skyrocket you to
the top of the social pyramid!
1)
Confidence
and Modernization.
Scarce confidence is often rooted from
insecurity. When the world rained with blessings, its as if you had your
umbrellas wide and open. So what if you were born with eyes smaller than the
Asian genitalia? Or genitalia smaller than Asian eyes? When destiny has
allocated such depressing traits to your poor Asian soul, don’t sulk in your
room while watching insipirational youtube videos on loop (perhaps the story of how Susan Boyle rose above her pathetic life, or
two black men singing an Alicia Keys song, either way you’re doomed)
Remember: these traits are non-negotiable, so when you’re stuck in a helpless
and hapless situation, you’re left with nothing else to do but to, just like
the black people say, WORK IT, BABY.
Analyze where
you fall short. What makes you feel like such an minor character in the story?
Are you too skinny? Do your weird langue and pale complexion shoo away the
girls you like? Or is the frighteningly massive population of your race make
you feel like an insignificant part of a yellow dominating group? Do not let
your flaws impede you from success. Stop thinking about what you lack and start
working on where you excel.
Keep in mind that: Asians excel in a multiplicity of things, to a very frightening extent.
Any stereotype with the affirmation of the condescending 9gag community (plus
the online freaks who would pick a fight on any given time) cannot be proven
false. So what if your uncooperative biceps remain in hiding after spending 23
hours a day in the gym? Stop bodybuilding and try something else. Like dancing,
perhaps? Most Asians are really good dancers (proven by Glee’s very own Mike
Chang). But if you are an outlier with two left feet, don’t hang yourself just
yet! Try basketball. People like Yao Ming and Jeremy Lin have been rendered as
global phenomena for excelling in a sport where the common Asian fails to
thrive. If you think that enough practice would only earn you a life long slot
on the bench (bangko) and you would still suck like a fat Asian potato, then
flee that group and play in a team of a less basketball conducive race.
Surround yourself with people who aren’t talented and are less dedicated. Trust
me, you would stand out for sure.
If this still doesn’t work, don’t cut those
skinny legs off while thinking you are a useless yellow piece of shit. There
are a lot of other things to excel in, if sports do not permit. I’m pretty sure
you’re better than everyone at playing chess. If this harsh world makes you
believe that Chess is an underappreciated geeky talent and will never get you
into the cast of Jersey Shore or Gossip Girl, then apply your logic and
analysis skills in something much “cooler”. Try playing cards (poker, Pusoy
Dos). Brilliance in gambling is an asset that will aid you in picking up girls.
Music is also a good way to grab
attention, especially when it comes to girls. If you are a couch potato who
spends an average of 7 hours a day in front of the television, you would know
that Asians are the staple endorsers of baby milk brands that claim to produce
child prodigies. This makes it safe to assert that you, my poor Asian friend,
are musically talented, someway, somehow. If you think you are good in a boring
underrated musical instrument such as the Piano (I’m sorry but the days of
Beethoven have long been dead and the slowly deteriorating human populace have
switched to brain slushing dubstep and Nicki Minaj), make an effort to
embellish and modernize your mechanisms. Buy yourself a keyboard-organ and
apply your music skills there. Keyboards are cool, they add that techno sound
to your classic old Asian songs. (I honestly have no clue with what I am
saying)
2)
Do
NOT ever argue with your inner Asian voice.
After eighteen years of co-existing
with your kind, I have concluded that:
Asians have a penchant for
colored hair.
Most Asians I know have this
yearning deep in their hearts, a constant calling that recurs almost every 20
minutes, a voice in their head that just won’t seem to shut up until they to
rush to the nearest salon and get their hair colored. If you want to do it, just do it.
Stop having personal debates between your proud Asian heritage and your
longing to conform. But this isn’t always the case, sometimes the voices in
your head demand you to do other unorthodox things such as to constantly spit
on every lot you step on to mark your territory or to watch videos about people
whose lives are sadder than yours to simply uplift your self-confidence.
(Again, see: Susan Boyle and Two Black Men singing) Whatever your inner Asian
voice asks you to do, just give in, agree and indulge in your Asian customs.
Most Asians who argue with their little yellow calling end up living a life with a massive void in their little yellow
hearts.
3)
Reject
and be a douchebag. Girls love douchebags.
It sounds plain, mainstream and shallow to
a vast extent. My immature header has probably earned me your disrespect and
has perhaps appalled a bunch of feminists, but continue reading and you will
see the clear sense I am about to make.
Do not let your Asian Frustrasian
(frustration) impede you from living the playboy dream. Do what Hugh Hefner
does. Sleep around! Not only will it heighten your masculinity, sleeping around
has also been proved to hasten sexual reproduction (in other words, impregnate
people to multiply the number of poor Asians in the country. Stain their genes
with some Asian blood to make them feel bad about themselves. Finally when your
population is large enough, you slowly take over and invade the racist country
you are in) Reject girls and
(Also, date at least three girls who share
your nationality. Apart from heightening the exclusivity, fellows Asians seek
solace in each other. You can sing songs and speak in languages that only you
two would understand. Anyong!)
Discussion on how and why girls are very
attracted to douchebags deserves an entirely different article to its name. What’s
essential to note here is that being a douche won’t only upgrade your value in
the dating market, it will also promote the ranks of your yellow race and will
earn you vast respect.
When
the whole world finds pleasure in your poor yellow demise, when racial jokes
are rampant (and is the most enjoyable
genre of entertainment), turn things around and form a clique. Keep things
exclusive. Turn them into outcasts before they even have the chance to discriminate
you. How? By only interacting with fellow Asians. This creates a certain
hierarchy that puts you on a pedestal, notches above those regular people. Join
exclusive and cliquish Korean groups to help cultivate your yellow legacy.
Disregard all other factions and reject invitations from fraternities filled
with “non-asian commoners” no matter how tough or powerful they might be.
Just like girls—the more you reject, the more
they yearn.
