I want you alive

I am strong—but sometimes it just gets too difficult.

It becomes such a challenge to be a pacifist when you provoke me like this.. every single time.

I don’t know. I am not sure. It could only be three things.

1)   You are living in an imaginary world: A world you have successfully convinced yourself of the veracity of your lies, a world where you take no conscious effort to insist that the figments of your thoughts (your illusionary paradigm wherein you are innocent and guilt free) are real and legitimate, and these imaginary premises actually govern your conscience,

2)   Or that you are a pathological and compulsive liar who has been throwing around all your imaginary stories so much that the fact that they are all imaginary and made up it doesn’t even affect you anymore. You’ve preached and asserted your illusions enough to build a veil of lies over your conscience. You lied enough for your conscience to be long extinct.

You know what you did.

I try to live by my integrity and principles. I try to keep my cool and continue to believe my life long philosophy asserting the pointlessness of revenge and retaliation, that I need not do anything to serve me justice and reciprocate the pain and permanent damage you have inflicted upon me, that the cosmos, somewhere up there, can feel my plight and will somehow, in a very discreet and in the least conspicuous way, justify everything perhaps through karma or (hopefully) through a constant distressed conscience taking the most brutal form of attack on your mind every single day.

But you keep pushing me. You keep insisting your imaginary self righteous lies you mask as facts and publicly broadcast them to the world as if it didn’t even bother a single part of your being.

And it doesn’t really help that we are stationed in such a patriarchal society; a world where woman victims are sympathized with, but not empathized. A world where it is always the fault of the vulnerable. It’s the fault of the vulnerable for being vulnerable and the fault of the weak for being weak. It’s the fault of the unlucky for being there at the wrong place at the wrong time. And its never the fault of the Alpha for that’s what they are biologically designed to do (or some other lame self righteous patriarchal rationalization that makes absolutely no sense)

I know you carry this with you. Every damn day. You carry it along as baggage—baggage just like mine. The only difference is how we treat this baggage. You have no conscience. That's why it's so easy for you.

But despite my deep hatred for you
No matter how much I'm starting to believe that you are the human embodiment and incarnation of the devil and Satan himself
I AM NOT wishing you dead. I’m not wishing you dead inside either.

Why? Because you already are. Always have and always will be.

Instead

I wish that you be alive and human as possible.

I wish your natural human senses would come to life, would tingle like they normally would in the case of every other human being.

I’d wish you to be human enough to feel my plight, to be alive enough to be bothered by the gravity of the evil you have done to me.

I want you to be as alive as possible.

I want a spur of emotions, I want your blood rush every time you hear my name:

A blood rush that is the perfect alchemy of guilt, self-loathing and regret.

But you are dead. You are as dead as a human could ever be.

You may still breathe; you may eat and excrete like a normal person would,

You may still be significant agent in the oxygen and carbon cycle and contribute to every natural process with all its biological technicalities

BUT YOU ARE AS DEAD AS A HUMAN COULD EVER BE

The existence of your soul is questionable and that of your conscience is obviously obsolete.

I WANT YOU TO LIVE.

BE HUMAN.

FEEL.

And most of all
suffer.